A couple of years ago we heard about the important work of researcher Dr. John Gottman, who observed thousands of couples in his lab in Seattle, Washington. It was validating to see that his work identified the same important behaviors we had observed, separating couples who did well in therapy from those who decided to end their marriages. We noted several behaviors characteristic of couples in distress. Dr. Gottman calls these behaviors "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": ,contempt,defensiveness, and stonewalling. We also observed that whatever efforts one partner might make to get out of this pattern, the other partner was likely to foil. We began to refer to this phenomenon as "shooting your foot off." On the other hand, Gottman found that there were seven characteristics of happily married couples. We have learned these behaviors the hard way, through our own personal experiences and previous relationships. In more than twenty-five years of observing couples in therapy, we have noted the presence of the following behaviors. We'll discuss them at length below, but in summary, you will know your marriage is improving when you:
1. enhance your love maps
2. nurture your fondness and admiration
3. turn toward each other instead of away
4. let your partner influence you
5. solve your solvable problems
6. overcome gridlock
7. create shared meaning.
Marriage In Islam
From our studies of Jungian psychology and our belief in a universal set of truths, we were not surprised to learn that these behaviors were the same truths described in spiritual wisdom. We are not theologians; however, we have long had an interest in reading the work of great thinkers in the area of spirituality. Recently we attended a lecture by Dr. Francis Vanderwall, a scholar, on the parables of Jesus. The parallels between the principles in this parable about relationships and those in John Gottman's latest book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, are striking.
Since our counseling is based upon a practical spirituality, we have been interested in current research that records in a scientific way what we have known intuitively. The discussion that follows provides a bridge between the valley and transformation. Carl Jung wrote about the self with a small "s" and the Self with a capital "S." The small self refers to our individual ego and life drama. The capital Self refers to our connection with a spiritual reality much greater than ourselves. It is helpful when we tell a couple that what they are going through is experienced by others. It is comforting to think in "S" questions and to look at our reality in a larger context.The poet Rainer Maria Rilke remarked, "We need to learn to love the questions and to live our way to the answers."
Henri Nouwen's book begins with a description of the parable of "The Prodigal Son," which he called "The Story of Two Sons and Their Father." This material provides a clear and beautiful example of asking the "S" questions. It also illustrates Jung's concept of universal wisdom. Many other examples can be found in spiritual tradition. The parable of the Prodigal Son beautifully describes the ability of our soul to turn lead (our mistakes) into gold (transformation).
There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, "Father, let me have the share of the estate that will come to me." So the father divided the property between them. A few days later, the younger son got together everything he had and left for a distant country where he squandered his money on a life of debauchery. When he had spent it all, that country experienced a severe famine, and now he began to feel the pinch, so he hired himself out to one of the local inhabitants who put him on his farm to feed the pigs. And he would willingly have filled himself with the husks the pigs were eating but no one would let him have them. Then he came to his senses and said, "How many of my father's hired men have all the food they want and more, and here am I dying of hunger! I will leave this place and go to my father and say: "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; I no longer deserve to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired men..." So he left the place and went back to his father. When he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was moved with pity. He ran to the boy, clasped him in his arms and kissed him. Then his son said, "Father I have sinned against heaven and against you. I no longer deserve to be called your son." But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring out the best robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the calf we have been fattening, and kill it; we will celebrate by having a feast, because this son of mine was dead and has come back to life; he was lost and is found." And they began to celebrate. Now the elder son was out in the field, and on his way back, as he drew near the house, he could hear music and dancing. Calling one of the servants he asked what it was all about. The servant told him, "Your brother has come, and your father has killed the calf we had been fattening because he has got him back safe and sound." He was angry then and refused to go in, and his father came out and began to urge him to come in; but he retorted to his father, "All these years I have slaved for you and never once disobeyed any orders of yours, yet you have never offered me so much as a kid for me to celebrate with my friends. But, for this son of yours, when he comes back after swallowing up your property-he and his loose women-you kill the calf we had been fattening."
The father said, "My son, you are with me always, and all I have is yours. But it was only right we should and rejoice, because your brother here was dead and has come to life; he was lost and is found." Let's compare Gottman's principles for successful marriage with the compelling parable of "The Prodigal Son." For a more in-depth theological discussion, we recommend Nouwen's book; what we shall examine here are the embedded psychological precepts that validate the theories Carl Jung postulated in Dreams, Memories and Reflections and in other works, namely that if you remove the obstacles that prevent you from accessing your authentic Self, it will lead you toward a transformed life of the "Truths." In order to demonstrate this, here is a brief comparison between Gottman's work and "The Prodigal Son": John Gottman and the Parable of "The Prodigal Son"
Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps John Gottman found that successful couples have a map of their partner's psychological reality, and understand their partner's interior world. Put poetically: How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face; William Butler Yeats-from "When You Are Old" In "The Prodigal Son," the father understands his son's pilgrim soul. Even though the son went away and went wild in the valley of the shadows, the father understood his true repentance and was anxious to take him in again. In unsuccessful couples we see rigidity in a tendency to hang on to past hurts. They do not have a psychological map of one another's complexity, nor are they able to talk about and explore their "pilgrim souls" together. It is significant in "The Prodigal Son," that the father didn't need to hear all his son's explanations, why he had done what he did and how badly he felt. The father already understood this. He had a deep psychological map to his son.
Developing a love map for yourself and your partner is important if you wish to understand your inner self and that of the significant person in your life. It is very difficult to explain who we are if we don't know who we are.
Principal 2: Fondness and Admiration
In successful couples we observe a playful fondness and mutual respect. In "The Prodigal Son" the father's unconditional love and fondness for both of his sons is evident. He in fact loves them just the way they are.
Principal 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
Gottman has found that when times are difficult, healthy couples have an ability to turn toward each other and dialogue with their conflict. In "The Prodigal Son," it is significant that the father runs out to meet his returning youngest son. According to Jewish law at the time, a father should never run to meet anyone. The father was less concerned with the rigid laws than he was with the joyful reunion with his son. It was the love that was most important and led to a powerful reconciliation.
Principal 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
In his research with abusive couples, Gottman found that abusers are almost totally incapable of allowing the other's influence. In viewing tapes of couples unable to accept one another's influence, it is not unusual to see an abusive partner discount almost everything that the other says. For example, if one partner says, "The sky is blue," the other may respond, "No it's not; it's blue and red." It's more important to be right than to have love or peace of mind. In the parable of "The Prodigal Son," the father allows himself to be influenced to give his sons their inheritance early. Again, this went against Jewish laws of the time, because fathers did not give an inheritance to a younger son, nor did they give it early. Scott Peck described this kind of love when he said that true love is "to will the good of the other." It is also important that the prodigal son had to repent to his father. In good relationships, people take responsibility for their own behavior. They do not sit and sulk like a child and wait for someone to come to them. We are shown in "The Prodigal Son" that the oldest son is not yet ready to come to the father.
He is caught up in self-righteous thinking. We find this with dysfunctional couples; each feels right and believes the other one should come beg for forgiveness. Bill demanded perfection and guilt-tripped his wife Sally when she failed to meet his exacting standards. Sally would run away when she felt overwhelmed by Bill's criticism. He blamed her for "refusing to work on the relationship" even when we pointed out that he had missed many more sessions than had his wife. The stress was palpable, and we suggested they take a break from one another. They were able to benefit from separate vacations, and when we next saw them Bill admitted he was too demanding. Sally agreed to discuss issues if the discussions were civil and if Bill would refrain from personal attacks.
Among the ground rules we established were; -Avoid absolutes like "never" and "always."
-Take turns communicating feelings.
-Moderate your voice and be respectful.
-Listen without interrupting, then verify what you think you heard.
-Acknowledge your partner's feelings and any truth in his or her observations.
-Discuss one subject at a time, and ask permission to change the subject.
-Limit discussions to one hour at most, then schedule follow-up discussions at a mutually agreeable time and place.
Bill and Sally have a long way to go, but they're still talking and trying to understand one another's perspective. Even when you're in the right, it's unlikely your partner will say, "I see that you've been right all along, and I've been a jerk. Can you ever forgive me? From now on, I'll do it your way." Face it-that's not going to happen. Be gracious enough to accept your partner's acquiescence without insisting on an abject apology.
Principal 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
Successful couples can discuss conflicts and accept one another's influence, so they are able to solve most problems together. Sometimes they have to accept that certain problems are not solvable, and that they can go on loving each other, respecting their differences while retaining their closeness and joy in one another. In "The Prodigal Son," there is initially an unsolvable problem with the youngest son, so he goes away to learn his lesson. There is also an unsolvable problem with the oldest son, who feels resentful because he has done his duty and is not being rewarded. The difference is that the youngest son learns his lesson, then returns to the father and accepts responsibility for his mistakes.The oldest son pulls away, and the parable ends with his unwillingness to see either his brother's or his father's point of view. It is very significant that the oldest son asks his father why he is having a party for "this son of yours." The father corrects him, referring to "your brother." By so doing, he tries to lead the son toward compassion, toward understanding his brother's point of view. At the end of the parable, the oldest brother is not yet able to do this. He is convinced he is right, and is unwilling to consider another point of view. Self-righteousness prevents many couples from reconciling their differences and creating a joyful existence together.
Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
In order to overcome gridlock, Gottman teaches that couples must learn to support one another's dreams. To do so, we must first understand our dreams and be able to talk about them with each other. The demise of many a marriage has resulted from the inability of one partner to communicate his or her deep dream and the other partner's inability to understand and support it. Marge has been offered a promotion, but it means she'll have to travel, and Fred is afraid she'll find someone else. He secretly hopes she won't get the promotion and in subtle ways undermines her self-confidence. His dream is starting a family, but he cannot admit he'd like a baby for fear of appearing unmanly. Fred wants Marge to read his mind and adopt his dream. Insensitive to one another's dreams, they nevertheless create obstacles to their fulfillment. Sometimes, love means letting go; sometimes it means talking, listening, understanding, compromising, and finding a win-win solution to each impasse. In the parable, the father is able to support his youngest son's dream even though it has immediate tragic consequences. He is able to let his son go to follow his dream. Because it is unselfish, letting go can be the purest form of love. When love returns, as when the prodigal returns, love attains the Second Mountain.
Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning
Happy couples are happy. This may sound obvious, but most people miss the point. In our practice, we have counseled many people who thought of home as a place of strife and who could not imagine what it would be like to be happy at home. Many think they have to go on vacation each year to have shared rituals or joyful times. Their marriages are in survival mode. How sad this is. Healthy couples have many rituals. On our honeymoon we met a couple celebrating their tenth anniversary. They told us that every month they had a mini-anniversary and would give each other some small gift, such as cigarette lighter or a handkerchief. We thought this a wonderful idea and adopted it, giving each other a little card on the tenth of each month. "The Prodigal Son" teaches us that God has laid out a banquet for us and, to participate in it, we need to relate to each other with love. Unfortunately, the oldest son chooses self-righteousness over joyful celebration. He thinks of attack instead of love. As Henri Nouwen puts it: "The world in which I have grown up is a world so filled with grades, scores, and statistics that, consciously or unconsciously, I always try to take my measure against all the others. Much sadness and gladness in my life flows directly from my comparing, and most, if not all this comparing is a useless and terrible waste of time and energy." People who are hopelessly locked in comparisons and power struggles fail to see that there is an abundance of love and joy for celebrating life on a daily basis. They are their own worst enemies, clinging to the jungle lest their partners find a way out.
"The Prodigal Son" gives us a map to leave our childhood programming and learn to love in mature ways. It is striking that this ancient wisdom is now being documented through the careful and systematic observations of Dr. Gottman. In reviewing Dr. Gottman's seven variables present in couples in long-term happy marriages, it is sometimes helpful to remember the beginning stages of a relationship, when these behaviors were perhaps commonly expressed:
-Love maps refer to a deep understanding of your partner's psychological world.
-Fondness can be demonstrated through affection, admiration, or praise.
-Toward versus away means that successful couples build up an emotional positive bank account, when they have difficulties they turn toward each other to work them out. Also, on a day-to-day basis they have many varied mindful moments where they are connected, sharing jokes, touching each other's arm, and fixing meals together, for example.
-Let Your Partner Influence You refers to respecting your partner's opinions and values. Couples are able to maintain an ongoing friendship through mutual respect.
-Solve Your Solvable Problems refers to the ability of successful couples to learn from experience and benefit from past mistakes.
-Overcome Gridlock-Differences are settled through the ability to dialogue with conflict. - Create Shared Memories refers to the rituals, symbols, family pictures, and occasions that reflect the couple's positive bond and shared history.
How to Build a Better Relationship - Scientific and Spiritual Maps
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